Somebody laughed. Garrick’s brother, I think.
The room went back to normal in about two seconds and everybody sang.
Twenty-five people. My own sister four feet away. Garrick’s mother.
Nobody said one word.
And I sat down, eight feet from a cake I had made, and sang along with everybody else.
June blew her candles out and then got off her chair and came and stood next to me for the rest of it, with her hand on my arm, which I did not understand at the time and which I understand completely now.
PART 3 — WHAT SHE SAID BY THE MACHINES
I was not in the room for the conversation the judge had with June. Nobody was except the family liaison and, later, June’s mother.
What I have is the finding, and the part of it that is mine to repeat.
For about four months, on the weekends she was at her father’s, June had been practised.
That is her word. Practised. She used it to the liaison eleven times.
She had been taught a set of sentences about me. That I shout. That I get angry about nothing. That she does not like being in the house when I am there.
None of it is true and the liaison established that in about forty minutes, which is what they are trained to do.
She had been told that she would have to say it to a lady in a big room, and that if she said it properly then Daddy would be able to look after the new baby, and that if she did not say it properly the baby would not be safe.
That is why she was crying by the water cooler.
She was not frightened of her father. She was frightened that she was about to be taken into a room and asked, and that she was going to have to choose between doing what she had been told and saying a true thing about me.
She is six. She had been carrying that for four months on her own.
And what she actually said to a judge in a corridor, holding a rabbit, was, in substance: I’m not supposed to like Tam but I do.
PART 4 — 2020
Here is why Rosamund Kerr was in that building that morning, which is the part that stops it being a coincidence.
She was not there for my hearing. She did not know my hearing was happening.
She had her own listing at ten past eleven, two floors up, to vary an order from 2020.
Because in 2019 and 2020, Rosamund Kerr went through the identical thing.
June was a baby then and the child in that process was not June; it was the evidence of adults. There were statements from Garrick and from his mother describing a woman who was volatile and unstable and not managing.
Rosamund lost primary care in the March of 2020 and did not get it back until the following February.
Eleven months.
She has been trying to get that order properly varied ever since, and she was in that building that day because it had finally been listed after two adjournments.
She brought June because her own mother, who usually has her, was in hospital, and because the family waiting area is exactly what it is for.
June wandered about forty feet to the water cooler.
That is all of it. There was no plan and nobody engineered anything. Two women who had been made into the same woman by the same man happened to be in the same building on the same Thursday because both matters had been adjourned twice.
PART 5 — WHAT I DIDN’T ASK FOR
The petition was withdrawn. Judge Vane would not take it, and said so plainly, and adjourned the financial side for eight weeks with an order for full disclosure that I had not asked for and would not have asked for.
I did not want the house and I still do not and I have not taken it. That part of what I said in that room was true and I have not changed my mind about one word of it.
What I took, in the end, was half the savings and nothing else, because a solicitor sat me down in the February and explained what I was actually doing when I surrendered everything, which was handing a man a very strong argument about which parent could provide.
I had not thought about it that way for one second. I had thought about it as being clean.
Cormac was born in the April. He is nine months old.
There is a finding on the file about the coaching and there is a schedule attached to Garrick’s contact with both children, and I am not going to write about the detail of it because it is theirs.
Adrienne Kask is not with him. She went in the June.
Rosamund and I speak most weeks. That is the thing I did not expect out of any of this, and it took about four months before either of us could do it without it being strange.
She said something to me in the summer that I keep.
She said, “In 2020 there wasn’t a six-year-old who’d say the true thing out loud. That’s the only difference between us.”
June is seven. She is at ours two weekends in three now by agreement between her mother and me, which is not a thing any order requires and which we sorted out over a kitchen table.
She calls the baby her brother. Nobody taught her to.
You’re not her mother, Tamsin. Sit down and let the family do it.
Adrienne Kask said that in my own kitchen holding a cake I had made, in front of twenty-five people, and somebody laughed and everybody sang.
She was right. I am not that child’s mother and I have never once pretended to be.
And four months later, in a corridor, a six-year-old was given a script that would have finished me, and she stood by a water cooler and cried rather than say it.
