« The same routine every day. »
« You mean our lives that include our sons? »
« Don’t be dramatic. »
There it was. His request was honesty. My pain was drama.
« The same routine every day. »
Tears burned behind my eyes, but I swallowed them.
Then I surprised both of us.
« Okay, » I said. « But I have one condition. »
Sean stared at me with his mouth half open.
« You’re agreeing that easily? »
« My condition is simple, » I said. « I get to date whoever I want, too. Whenever I want. »
« But I have one condition. »
He blinked.
Then he laughed, not loudly, just one short, amused breath.
« Sure. »
I studied his face.
« You’re fine with that? »
« Of course, Taylor. Do what you need to do. »
« You’re fine with that? »
He turned and walked away.
I stayed on the floor with Saturn in my lap.
His laugh bothered me.
Sean wasn’t agreeing because he believed in equal freedom. He didn’t think I’d use mine.
For a moment, I wondered whether he was right.
His laugh bothered me.
I glued Saturn’s ring back on.
At least one thing in the house was still repairable.
***
Sean wasted no time.
Two days later, he stood in our bedroom holding up a blue shirt and a black sweater.
« Which one? »
Sean wasted no time.
« For what? »
« My date. Come on, Tay. You always had better taste. »
He wanted his wife to help him dress for another woman.
« You wanted freedom, Sean. Pick a shirt. »
He wore blue.
« You always had better taste. »
He came home after midnight smelling like floral perfume.
I was still awake on the couch, reading the same paragraph for the sixth time.
« You’re still awake. »
« Looks that way, doesn’t it? »
He stiffened as though he expected a fight.
« Did you have a good time? »
« You’re still awake. »
« Yeah. »
« Good. »
I closed the book and stood.
« That’s it? »
« Why? You got what you asked for. »
He had no answer.
« That’s it? »
I went upstairs.
***
The next evening, I grabbed my purse.
Sean looked up from his phone.
« Where are you going? »
« Dinner. »
« With who? »
« Lucy. »
« Where are you going? »
His younger sister lived nearby and could make me laugh even when I didn’t want to.
Sean’s shoulders relaxed immediately.
« Did you think I was going on a date? »
« No. »
His answer came too fast.
That’s when I understood the arrangement Sean really wanted.
« Did you think I was going on a date? »
He could be free.
I was supposed to stay predictable.
***
So I stopped being predictable.
I went back to a pottery class I’d quit years earlier because Saturdays always seemed too busy.
I drank coffee alone without checking the time.
He could be free.
Small things suddenly felt huge.
One evening, Sean walked into the kitchen.
« What’s for dinner? »
I opened the refrigerator.
« Leftovers. »
He stared at me.
« What’s for dinner? »
« What? You can find the microwave, right? »
For years, I had treated every empty space like mine to fill. Sean was beginning to notice when I stopped.
***
A few days later, we had dinner with his family.
His mother, Madeline, had invited us. She was warm without being nosy and remembered how everyone took their coffee.
Lucy was there.
« You can find the microwave, right? »
So was Sean’s older brother, James.
James had been divorced for a few years. He was quieter than Sean, and I’d always gotten along with him.
There had never been anything romantic between us.
Halfway through dinner, Madeline looked at Sean.
« You look tired. »
James had been divorced for a few years.
Sean smiled.
« Just been getting some fresh air lately. »
« What does that mean? »
« Nothing. I’m breaking out of the old routine, Mom. It’s been great. »
I set down my fork.
« What does that mean? »
« Sean asked for an open marriage. That’s the fresh air he’s talking about. »
Silence settled over the table.
Lucy froze with her glass halfway to her mouth. I hadn’t told her any of it when we’d gone out for dinner.
Sean turned sharply.
« We agreed to it, Taylor. »
« Sean asked for an open marriage. »
« You asked. I agreed. »
« Not here. »
« Why not? You said it would bring our marriage back to life. »
Madeline looked at him.
« Is that true? »
« It’s complicated, Mom. »
« Is that true? »
« It really isn’t. »
Sean gave a short laugh.
« She hasn’t actually dated anyone. »
I looked at him.
« Yet. »
His smile vanished.
« It really isn’t. »
***
Later, I stepped outside for air.
James followed a minute later.
« Did you actually want this? » James asked.
« To see other people? »
He nodded.
« No. »
« Did you actually want this? »
James nodded.
« Does Sean know that? »
« He knows I agreed. »
« That wasn’t the question, Taylor. »
***
James came by a few days later with Atlas’s jacket.
« He left it in Mom’s car when she picked the boys up from school. »
« Does Sean know that? »
« Thanks. »
I took it from him, then heard myself say, « Coffee? I have fresh banana bread too. »
He hesitated.
« Sure. »
Over coffee, James looked down at his mug.
« Sean called me the night before he asked you. »
James looked down at his mug.
My stomach tightened.
« About the open marriage? »
« About you. He wanted me to tell him he wasn’t crazy for thinking you’d agree. »
I stared at him.
« He thought I wanted this? »
« No. »
« About the open marriage? »
James didn’t soften it.
« He thought you’d hate it. »
« Then why would I agree? »
James held my gaze.
« Because he didn’t think you’d leave him. »
« He thought you’d hate it. »
« What did you tell him? »
« I told him if he already knew you’d hate it, then he wasn’t offering you freedom. He was testing how far he could push you and still have you stay. »
He paused.
« He was asking how much you’d tolerate. »
Sean knew it would hurt me.
« What did you tell him? »
He just believed I’d stay anyway.
James stood.
« Taylor. »
I looked up.
He didn’t tell me what to do.
« Whatever you do next, make sure you chose it. »
He just believed I’d stay anyway.
That sentence stayed with me.
***
That evening, I typed:
« Would you have dinner with me Friday? »
Then I deleted it and called him instead.
He answered.
« Would you have dinner with me Friday? »
« Hey. »
« Would you take me to dinner? »
There was silence.
Then James said, « No. »
My face burned.
« Okay. »
« Would you take me to dinner? »
« Taylor, I need to explain. If you’re asking because you actually want dinner with me, ask me again after you’ve thought about it. »
« And if I’m asking because Sean will hate it? »
« Then don’t. »
I frowned.
« Maybe I have more than one reason. »
« Then don’t. »
« Then figure out which reason gets to drive this. »
I didn’t call him the next day.
Instead, I went to pottery class.
I ruined a bowl so badly that the woman beside me asked if it was supposed to tilt.
Driving home with clay beneath my nails, I realized I hadn’t thought about Sean for nearly three hours.
I went to pottery class.
***
On Thursday, I called James.
« Dinner Friday? »
« Why? »
« Because I want to. And because Sean will hate it. »
James laughed softly.
« That’s more honest. »
« Dinner Friday? »
« Seven? »
« Seven. I’ll pick you up. »
***
Friday evening, I put on the red dress I hadn’t worn in years.
I almost changed before Sean appeared in the doorway.
« Where are you going? »
« On a date. »
« Seven. I’ll pick you up. »
His expression changed.
« With who? »
« That’s none of your business, » I said with a smile.
His jaw tightened.
« You never said I couldn’t ask. »
« And I never said I had to answer. »
« That’s none of your business. »
My phone rang.
I answered.
« Hi, » I said calmly. « I’m ready. Please come to the front door. I can’t wait to see you. »
Sean followed me downstairs.
« He’s here, isn’t he? » Sean shouted. « Your lover? »
He reached the door first and yanked it open.
« I can’t wait to see you. »
Then he stopped.
James stood on the porch.
Sean’s face went gray.
« James? »
« Hey. »
Sean gripped the doorframe.
Sean’s face went gray.
« No. »
I picked up my purse.
« No what? »
« You’re not going, Taylor! That’s final! »
« I am. »
« Not with him. »
« No what? »
« You said I could date whoever I wanted. »
« I didn’t mean James! »
« You never said that. »
« I shouldn’t have to! He’s my brother, Taylor. »
I stared at him.
« I didn’t mean James! »
« There were a lot of things in our marriage I thought I shouldn’t have to explain either. »
James stepped back.
« Taylor, if you want me to leave… »
« No. »
Both brothers looked at me.
Sean’s voice cracked.
« No. »
« You’re choosing him over me? »
« I’m choosing dinner. »
« How could you do this to me? » he whispered. « What am I supposed to do now? »
« You’ll be fine, Sean. The boys are hungry. »
I walked past him.
« What am I supposed to do now? »
***
Dinner with James wasn’t magical, thank God.
There was no secret confession or dramatic declaration.
We ate and talked.
At one point, I admitted, « I thought this would feel more satisfying. »
James raised an eyebrow.
« It doesn’t? »
We ate and talked.
« A little. But it’s smaller than I thought. »
He nodded.
« Revenge usually does. »
« I didn’t say this was revenge. »
« You didn’t have to. »
I laughed.
« Revenge usually does. »
Later, his expression became serious.
« Don’t turn me into a weapon, Taylor. I like being with you, but you’re still my sister-in-law. »
« I’m trying not to. »
« You don’t owe me another date. »
I smiled.
« Was that your subtle way of asking for one? »
« I’m trying not to. »
« I’ve been divorced. Subtle didn’t work out great for me. »
I laughed again.
But driving home, I understood something.
Sean’s jealousy wasn’t enough.
Hurting him wouldn’t repair what he’d broken.
« I’ve been divorced. »
***
Sean was waiting in the dark living room.
« Did you kiss him? »
« No. »
His shoulders dropped.
« But that’s not the point. »
« Of course it is. »
« Did you kiss him? »
« No. »
He stood.
« This stops now. »
« What stops? »
« The open marriage, » he said.
« This stops now. »
« Why? »
« Because it’s destroying us. »
« You were fine last week. »
« That was different. »
« How? »
He looked away.
« Because it’s destroying us. »
« Did the women stop being interesting? »
« No. »
« Did you stop wanting them? »
His jaw tightened.
« No. »
« Then what changed? »
« No. »
He looked at me.
I answered for him.
« Me. Right? »
Sean turned away.
I let the silence sit between us.
Then I said, « James told me you called him. »
« Me. Right? »
Sean froze.
« He told you? »
« Yes. »
« I needed advice, Tay. »
« No. You needed somebody to tell you I’d tolerate this. »
« That’s not fair. »
« I needed advice, Tay. »
« You knew I didn’t want it. »
« I knew you’d be upset. »
« And you asked anyway. »
He rubbed both hands over his face.
« I knew you loved this family too much to leave. »
« I knew you’d be upset. »
« No. »
My voice came out quieter than I expected.
« You knew I was afraid to lose it. »
Sean looked at me.
Then he said the sentence that changed everything.
« I knew you wouldn’t leave. »
Sean looked at me.
Neither of us moved.
There it was.
He hadn’t gambled with our marriage because he trusted it.
He’d gambled with it because he trusted my fear.
« I need space, » I said. « I mean it, Sean. »
« Taylor, come on. »
« I mean it, Sean. »
« No. »
« I said I’ll stop seeing people. »
« That isn’t enough. »
« What else do you want? »
Three weeks earlier, I wouldn’t have known.
Now I did.
« That isn’t enough. »
« I want a marriage where my love isn’t used as leverage. »
He stared at me.
« So you’re leaving me? »
« I haven’t decided whether our marriage ends. »
His face changed.
« But the old one already did. »
« So you’re leaving me? »
***
We separated quietly, without screaming or dramatic suitcase scenes in front of Atlas and Cody.
We told the boys together that we were dealing with grown-up problems and that both of us loved them.
Sean stayed elsewhere for a while.
I spoke privately with an attorney before making any permanent decisions.
We both started counseling.
Sean stayed elsewhere for a while.
Madeline never told me what to do.
One evening, she came over with enough food for six people.
« You don’t have to feed me, » I said.
« I disagree. »
I laughed.
« You don’t have to feed me. »
She put the container in my refrigerator.
« I love my son. »
« I know. »
« That doesn’t mean you have to pretend he didn’t hurt you. »
That was all.
It was enough.
« I love my son. »
***
Months passed.
Sean changed in small ways.
Maybe they would last.
Maybe they wouldn’t.
For once, I didn’t rush to decide.
James kept his distance.
Months passed.
Then, at a family cookout, he found me near the patio.
« How are you? »
« Better. »
He tilted his head.
« That wasn’t what I asked, Taylor. »
I smiled.
« How are you? »
« I’m getting there. »
Across the yard, Sean was watching us.
Months earlier, I would have measured my answer against his face.
This time, I didn’t.
James shoved his hands into his pockets.
« Would dinner still be a terrible idea? »
« I’m getting there. »
I looked at him.
« Ask me again when I’m actually single. »
He smiled.
« You know what? That sounds pretty fair. »
***
Later, Sean caught me near the car.
« I thought I wanted to feel like a man again. »
I waited.
« You know what? »
He glanced toward Atlas and Cody, who were laughing near the fence.
« I didn’t realize I was making you feel like less of a woman. »
For once, he wasn’t asking me to comfort him.
« Now you know, » I said.
I walked toward the boys.
« Now you know. »
Cody was accusing Atlas of cheating at a game neither of them could explain.
Atlas spotted me and called, « Mom, tell him he’s making up rules. »
« I’m staying out of it, boys. Call me when there’s ice cream involved. »
Both boys stared at me.
Then Cody laughed.
« I’m staying out of it, boys. »
Apparently, that answer was shocking enough to end the argument.
As we headed home, I thought about the night Sean called our life boring.
He had been wrong about one thing from the beginning.
My life had never been boring.
I’d simply spent too many years making it easy for everyone else to live in.
This time, I wasn’t going to disappear inside it again.
