I didn’t move the jersey.
Neither did she.
« Do you know what time the game starts? »
Then, about six months after the accident, she came into the kitchen while I was making lunch.
« Mom? »
« Yeah? »
« Do you know what time the game starts? »
I turned around.
« What game? »
« Can we watch? »
She rolled her eyes in a way that looked so much like Austin that my chest hurt.
« Dad’s team. »
« Oh. »
I checked my phone.
« Four thirty. »
« Can we watch? »
Then she went into the living room, picked up Austin’s jersey, and put it on.
I tried not to react too much.
« Sure. »
She nodded.
Then she went into the living room, picked up Austin’s jersey, and put it on.
It hung almost to her knees.
For Kelly’s eighth birthday, I wanted to do something special.
That was the first Sunday football returned to our house.
She watched every Sunday afterward, even when losing hurt badly.
For Kelly’s eighth birthday, I wanted to do something special.
Money had been tighter since Austin died, but I’d been setting aside a little whenever I could.
Finally, I had enough.
When I showed Kelly, she screamed.
Two tickets.
Not amazing seats.
Not terrible ones either.
When I showed Kelly, she screamed.
« Are these real?! »
« No, I printed fake tickets to mess with you. »
She threw herself into my arms.
She stared at me.
« Mom. »
« Yes. They’re real. »
She threw herself into my arms.
« Dad always said we’d go. »
She slept with the tickets beside her bed that night.
I hugged her tighter.
« I know. »
She slept with the tickets beside her bed that night.
The night before the game, Kelly disappeared into her room with markers and poster board.
An hour later, she came out carrying a sign.
I’M CHEERING FOR BOTH OF US.
The letters were crooked and blue.
MY DADDY LOVED THIS TEAM.
HE’S IN HEAVEN NOW,
SO I’M CHEERING FOR BOTH OF US.
I had to look away for a second.
« You’re crying. »
Kelly frowned.
« Is it bad? »
« No. »
« You’re crying. »
« Because it’s good. »
She smiled.
I folded the sign carefully so the letters would survive.
« I’m bringing it tomorrow. »
« Absolutely. »
I folded the sign carefully so the letters would survive.
The next afternoon, she carried the sign through the stadium like it was priceless.
People noticed.
A man near the concession stand gave her a thumbs-up.
Our seats were close enough to the field that we could watch warmups clearly.
Another fan read it and quietly said, « Sorry about your dad, kiddo. »
Kelly answered the same way every time.
« Thanks. He would’ve loved this. »
Our seats were close enough to the field that we could watch warmups clearly.
Kelly narrated everything.
« That’s Marcus. »
« Mom, he’s Dad’s favorite player. »
« I know. »
« No, you don’t. »
« I’ve heard the name. »
« Mom, he’s Dad’s favorite player. »
« I knew that part. »
Marcus was a veteran receiver.
Kelly knew every warmup drill before I understood anything happening.
Austin had owned his jersey.
He’d also spent an absurd amount of time defending him during bad seasons.
Kelly knew every warmup drill before I understood anything happening.
Kelly stood near the railing holding her sign.
Marcus jogged past once.
Kelly went incredibly quiet as they made eye contact.
Then stopped.
He looked up.
Kelly went incredibly quiet as they made eye contact.
He read the sign.
Then read it again.
« He’s pointing at me. »
He pointed directly at her.
Kelly looked at me.
« Mom. »
« I see him. »
« He’s pointing at me. »
« I see that too. »
The ball dropped straight into Kelly’s arms.
Marcus picked up a football.
He gestured toward Kelly.
Then he tossed it.
Several adults reached instinctively, but a man behind us yelled, « For the kid! »
The ball dropped straight into Kelly’s arms.
For one second, she didn’t make a sound.
She caught it against her chest.
For one second, she didn’t make a sound.
Then she screamed.
« Mom! »
She was laughing and crying.
« Mom, look! »
« He would’ve told everyone he caught it himself. »
« I see it. »
« Daddy would’ve gone crazy! »
I laughed through tears.
« He would’ve told everyone he caught it himself. »
Kelly hugged the ball.
Then a hand came across me.
A woman beside us pulled it away and handed it to the teenage boy sitting next to her.
Before I understood what was happening, someone grabbed the football from Kelly’s arms.
Kelly gasped.
A woman beside us pulled it away and handed it to the teenage boy sitting next to her.
I stared at her.
« What are you doing? »
She adjusted her coat.
« He’s been playing football for three years. »
« My son should have it. »
I thought I’d misheard.
« Excuse me? »
« He’s been playing football for three years. »
Her son looked uncomfortable.
He was maybe fourteen.
« He threw it into the crowd. »
He held the ball but wouldn’t look at Kelly.
I stood.
« That player threw the ball to my daughter. »
The woman rolled her eyes.
« He threw it into the crowd. Ethan here has a right to it. »
« He pointed at her first. »
I could see the tears swell in her eyes.
« So? »
Kelly whispered, « Mom. »
I looked down.
I could see the tears swell in her eyes.
That changed something in me.
I held out my hand.
« Girls don’t understand football. My son deserves it more. »
« Give it back. »
The woman laughed once.
« No. »
« Give my daughter her football. »
« Girls don’t understand football. My son deserves it more. »
« Why? »
Then she said something I still cannot believe an adult said to a grieving eight-year-old.
« Because he actually plays. »
Kelly wiped her face.
The woman glanced at her sign.
Then she said something I still cannot believe an adult said to a grieving eight-year-old.
« It’s not like this really matters. She’ll forget about this tomorrow. »
A man behind us said, « Lady, seriously? »
Her son looked like he wanted to disappear.
The woman ignored him.
She nodded toward Kelly.
« Buy her a doll or something. »
Her son looked like he wanted to disappear.
Despite being strangers, the people around us felt like allies, not just background noise.
Then the people behind us started shouting.
I held out my hand again.
« Give it back. »
Then the people behind us started shouting.
Not at her.
Toward the field.
I turned.
He pointed toward Kelly, then toward the football in Ethan’s hands.
Marcus was looking directly at our section.
He wasn’t smiling anymore.
He pointed toward Kelly, then toward the football in Ethan’s hands.
A team staffer standing near the sideline followed his gesture.
Then Marcus reached for a microphone.
« I threw that ball to the little girl holding the sign. »
The stadium noise dipped.
« I threw that ball to the little girl holding the sign, » he said.
Kelly grabbed my hand.
Kelly squeezed my fingers so tightly my knuckles actually hurt.
Marcus looked toward our section.
A second later, the giant screen changed.
« The young man holding it knows who it belongs to. »
A second later, the giant screen changed.
There we were.
Kelly.
Me.
The woman.
He looked up at the screen.
And Ethan standing there with the football.
His mother’s mouth shut tight.
« Ethan, » she whispered.
He looked up at the screen.
Then at Kelly.
A man behind us laughed in disbelief.
An usher and a security officer appeared at the end of our row.
The woman pointed at me.
« She’s been harassing me. »
A man behind us laughed in disbelief.
« Lady, the whole stadium just heard him. »
The security officer looked at Ethan.
Ethan stared at the football.
His mother started, « It went into the— »
« Mom. »
Ethan stared at the football.
« Stop. »
Her face changed.
« Ethan— »
« I was trying to help you. »
« He threw it to her. »
She stared at him.
« I was trying to help you. »
« I didn’t ask you to take it. »
« You said you wanted a game ball. »
« Not hers. »
Then he held out the football.
He walked over to Kelly.
Then he held out the football.
« I’m sorry. »
Kelly hesitated before taking it.
« It’s okay. »
Ethan shook his head.
Then the stadium screen switched back to the warmup feed.
« No, it isn’t. »
His mother went red.
I glanced toward the field.
Marcus gave Ethan a small nod.
Then the stadium screen switched back to the warmup feed.
The usher bent toward me.
« Would you and your daughter stay here for a minute? »
I frowned.
« Why? »
He glanced toward the field.
« Someone asked to see her after warmups. »
A few minutes later, the usher returned and led us down a concrete hallway.
Kelly’s eyes widened.
« Mom. »
« I heard him. »
A few minutes later, the usher returned and led us down a concrete hallway.
Kelly held the football against her chest the entire way.
« Am I in trouble? »
A door opened near the tunnel.
« No. »
« Are you sure? »
« Mostly. »
« Mom. »
« I’m kidding. »
A door opened near the tunnel.
She hid halfway behind me.
Marcus was waiting.
Kelly stopped walking.
« Oh my God. »
Marcus smiled.
« Hey. »
She hid halfway behind me.
« I saw your sign. »
He crouched so they were closer to eye level.
« You’re Kelly, right? »
She nodded.
« I saw your sign. »
Her fingers tightened around mine.
« What was your dad’s name? »
« My dad taught me football too. »
« Austin. »
Marcus nodded.
« My dad taught me football too. »
Kelly looked up.
« He did? »
« Everything I knew as a kid. »
« Sounds like Austin knew what he was doing. »
« My dad explained penalties because Mom doesn’t understand them. »
I looked at her.
« Really? »
Marcus laughed.
« Sounds like Austin knew what he was doing. »
Kelly smiled.
He pulled a marker from his pocket.
Then Marcus pointed at the football.
« Can I see that? »
She handed it to him.
He pulled a marker from his pocket.
« Usually I just sign my name. »
Then he looked at me.
He wrote beneath his signature.
« How do you spell Austin? »
My throat tightened.
« A-U-S-T-I-N. »
He wrote beneath his signature.
Then he handed the ball back.
Kelly read it.
She traced Austin’s name twice before hugging the ball again.
For Kelly and Austin — keep cheering together.
She traced Austin’s name twice before hugging the ball again.
Her lips started trembling.
Then she cried.
Full eight-year-old crying.
« Good tears. »
Marcus looked briefly panicked.
« Good tears? »
Kelly nodded hard.
« Good tears. »
I was crying too.
« Thank you. »
« Actually, if Mom says it’s okay, I’ve got another question. »
Marcus smiled.
« Actually, if Mom says it’s okay, I’ve got another question. »
Kelly wiped her cheeks.
« What? »
« You want to stand by the tunnel for introductions? »
Her mouth dropped open.
When the team ran out, Kelly screamed so loudly I thought she might lose her voice.
She looked at me.
« Mom. »
I laughed.
« Yes. »
« Mom! »
« I said yes. »
For a little while, she wasn’t crying because she missed Austin.
When the team ran out, Kelly screamed so loudly I thought she might lose her voice.
She held the signed football against her chest the entire time.
For a little while, she wasn’t crying because she missed Austin.
She was crying because something good had happened.
After the game, we passed Ethan near the concourse.
He was standing several feet from his mother.
She hugged the football.
He lifted one hand.
« Hey. »
Kelly stopped.
« I’m sorry again. »
She hugged the football.
« You already said that. »
« I should’ve given it back right away. »
« I know. »
He shoved his hands into his pockets.
« I should’ve given it back right away. »
Kelly considered this.
« Probably. But I would have hesitated as well. »
I almost laughed.
That night, Kelly put the football on the coffee table.
Ethan smiled.
« I hope the rest of your day goes smoother. »
« Thanks. »
Then we kept walking.
That was enough.
That night, Kelly put the football on the coffee table.
« Dad would’ve been jealous. »
She draped Austin’s jersey over his old chair.
Then she sat staring at both.
« You okay? »
She nodded.
« Dad would’ve been jealous. »
« Extremely. »
Then she looked down at the writing on the football.
« He would’ve touched the ball too much. »
« Definitely. »
She smiled.
Then she looked down at the writing on the football.
« Mom? »
« Yeah? »
I knew what she meant.
« Do you think Dad saw? »
I knew what she meant.
The game.
The sign.
Marcus.
All of it.
A few weeks later, Kelly wrote Marcus a thank-you letter.
I sat beside her.
« I don’t know. »
She nodded.
« I hope so. »
« So do I. »
A few weeks later, Kelly wrote Marcus a thank-you letter.
Sunday football still feels different.
At the bottom, she added one sentence:
The ball is beside my dad’s jersey now. I think he’d like that.
Then life kept moving.
Sunday football still feels different.
It probably always will.
Last Sunday, I sat at the far end of the couch while Kelly watched a replay.
Austin’s chair is still there.
Kelly still drapes his jersey over it before kickoff.
The signed football stays on the coffee table.
Last Sunday, I sat at the far end of the couch while Kelly watched a replay.
She sighed dramatically.
« Dad would’ve explained this play to you already. »
« Mom. »
« What? »
« Sit closer. »
« I’m comfortable. »
She patted the cushion beside her.
« Dad would’ve explained this play to you already. »
« The person who stops people from being safe? »
I moved over.
« Fine. Explain it. »
Kelly pointed at the television.
« Okay. Watch the safety. »
I smiled.
« The person who stops people from being safe? »
« I remember important things. »
Kelly stared at me.
Then she laughed.
« That was when I was six. »
« I remember important things. »
« That is not what a safety does. »
« Then educate me. »
I realized she was teaching me now, exactly like him.
She started explaining coverage and routes.
I realized she was teaching me now, exactly like him.
I understood maybe half of it.
But I watched her face.
I looked once at Austin’s empty chair.
She was smiling.
I looked once at Austin’s empty chair.
Then back at Kelly.
For the first time since he died, the empty place beside us wasn’t the only thing I could see.
