He lasted fourteen months.
People say things like, “At least you had time to prepare,” and I have always wanted to ask them what exactly they think preparing looks like for losing the person who has slept beside you for four decades. There is no preparation. There is logistics. There is morphine. There are casseroles from church and conversations with oncologists and little acts of denial that look, from the outside, like bravery. There is waking at two in the morning because the person next to you is breathing differently and knowing before your mind says it that the rhythm has changed. There is learning how to hold both hope and truth at once without dropping either.
After he died, I made him a promise.
Not the kind of promise people make at funerals with witnesses. Not dramatic. No speech. Just me, alone, on my side of the bed with my hand resting on the hollow his body had left in the mattress, whispering into the dark because I didn’t know what else to do with all the words that still belonged to him.
I told him I would build the lake house.
